


If Love is Pain

by SerStolas



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bit of Fluff, Bodhi gives good advice, F/M, Post-War, Reconciliation, bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 01:51:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14202423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerStolas/pseuds/SerStolas
Summary: Inspired by the song "Let's Hurt Tonight" by One Republic.In the aftermath of the Galactic Civil War, Jyn and Cassian are trying to work things out, but love isn't always easy.





	If Love is Pain

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Rogue One or Star Wars. I do not own the song "Let's Hurt Tonight" by One Republic.
> 
> Edit: And thank you Imsfire!!

"Damn it, Jyn, we're never going to actually manage to fix things if we don't communicate."

"We'll talk about it when I get home, I've got to go, Cassian."

The sound of Cassian's tired, bitter laugh would haunt her for days. "Always another mission or project, isn't it, Jyn? Sometimes I think you do it just because you don't know how to talk to me, how to actually try and make this work. They say I'm the workaholic, but you're the one whose never home."

"I...I'm sorry, Cassian, I have to go. I love you...I'll see you in a few weeks."

"I love you too, Jyn," came the weary reply. He wasn't looking at her when he said it though.

~~

It took a week before Bodhi managed to break through the wall of sharp remarks and sarcasm Jyn had put up between the two of them since the start of this run. They were on their way to the second delivery, one more to go before they headed back to Corellia and home.

Bodhi had known from the moment Jyn had set foot on the ship that she and Cassian had another fight. Far from throwing his hands up in the air like he wanted to do at his friends' sheer stubbornness, he'd mildly asked Jyn how she was, and she'd sniped back about his ship being a bucket of bolts.

He hadn't even blinked, used to Jyn's moods after all these years. His heart-sister was quick to anger, sharp, and incredibly stubborn. She was also loyal, fiercely protective of her friends and family, and far more kindhearted than most suspected.

Perhaps most telling, though, was her habit of reacting with anger when she was afraid. The first time she'd realized how close she felt to Bodhi, like the brother she'd never had, she'd snapped at him for weeks until she finally came to terms with it and apologized for her behavior. She'd told him in her blunt way that after the way she'd lost her family, first by blood and then Saw, she was afraid of losing him the same way. Eventually, they'd fallen into a comfortable relationship and friendship, teasing each other easy as siblings were wont to do.

He highly suspected that the depth of her feelings for Cassian scared her even more than her care for Bodhi, in part because of its' nature. She'd seen her mother choose to die rather than be separated from her father. She remembered one woman they'd known in the Rebellion becoming little more than a shell of herself when her wife had been killed by the Empire.

He knew Jyn loved Cassian, but she was also afraid: afraid of losing Cassian, afraid of losing herself, afraid of depending too much on one person.

Finally after a week of sharp remarks and temper, he found Jyn sitting at the table near the galley, cradling a glass of something dark in her hands, her eyes fixed on no particular point in front of her. Bodhi could see the faint dark circles under her eyes, and the worry lines on her face. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and slid into the chair across the table from her. Bodhi examined the bottle on the table for a moment before pouring himself a glass and taking a sip. 

The brown liquid burned all the way down; low grade whiskey then. They should probably be drinking it over ice, but ice wasn't in plentiful supply on the ship, so Jyn was making do.

"So what did you fight about this time?" Bodhi asked her after the two of them had sat for several minutes in silence, sipping their whiskey.

"Our lack of communication," Jyn replied, still staring ahead. She grabbed the bottle and poured herself more whiskey. "How I have a tendency to run away before we can really fight about anything..." 

She let her words trail off as she lifted her eyes to meet Bodhi's gaze, and he read the uncertainty there. This was an emotion that Jyn rarely let other's see. "He's right, though," she said softly. "I'm afraid. I've never felt like this with anyone else."

"So what's different now than during the war?" Bodhi asked, arching a dark brow at her.

Jyn shrugged a little. "During the war we never knew how long we would get. Any mission could be one of our last, so we made the time we had count. We never got a lot of time together, him with Intelligence, me with the Pathfinders. Every moment was precious, every memory meant to be stored up in case of famine in the future."

"So now that there's peace, now that death isn't staring you in the face on a daily basis, you don't know how to live a 'normal' life with him?" Bodhi hazarded.

Jyn laughed tiredly. "That pretty much sums it up. So I walk away, because trying to talk about my fear is too hard."

"You're not afraid he'll leave you," Bodhi made it a statement.

She shook her head. "No, but I'm afraid I won't know how to manage a life with him."

"Well you're never going to figure out anything with him if you keep running away and avoiding things," Bodhi told her bluntly. He took a long drink of whiskey, thinking as it burned his throat. "You're afraid of the pain that comes with love. You've already experienced so much, you're afraid of feeling more, but running away just adds to your pain, yours and his. You aren't sleeping well, for one."

"You were always too damn perceptive," Jyn told him. "But yes," she admitted. "I am."

"Jyn, love is pain, but love is joy too. No relationship is ever going to be perfect. You're going to have fights, you're going to have nights when you don't sleep because you're angry at each other. But then you'll talk, you'll make up, and you'll try to make things better." Bodhi reached out and squeezed her hand. "You faced down Imperials with less fear, little sister. It's time to face your fears about love. But you don't have to do it alone."

Jyn took a deep breath and set her empty glass on the table. "I'll think about what you said. Right now, I'm going to bed."

"We'll be back on Corellia in another week," Bodhi remarked as she got up.

"I'll keep that in mind," Jyn replied.  
~~

One breath in, one breath out.

Jyn keyed in the code for the front door of their flat and stepped inside, not entirely surprised to find just residual lights on. She and Bodhi had finished up at the space port a little afternoon 12:00 and she'd headed home. Cassian would still be at work. 

As she moved through the apartment, she noted the signs that Cassian had been in residence while she was gone. Caf cups drying on the counter, because Cassian still liked doing dishes by hand; left overs in the chiller; data pad and blanket left on the couch.

Jyn let her backpack drop just inside the bedroom door and went to use the fresher. She'd known she would come home and find Cassian still living here, she'd never feared him leaving her. She'd feared loving him too much. It was time to stop running, though, and actually try to make things work. It took two people to make a relationship, and they were doomed to fail if Cassian was the only one trying.

After using the fresher and changing, Jyn settled in to count the hours. She would be here when Cassian got home, and they would talk. It was time to shut out all outside distractions, and work through things, just the two of them.  
~~~

Cassian was to see the lights on when he keyed in the entry code and stepped into the apartment he expected to be empty.

His brown eyes widened just a fraction when he saw Jyn sitting on the couch. He stood frozen in the doorway, not expecting her to be home.

Jyn smiled, faintly, a little nervously, but she smiled at him. "Hello Cassian."

He took a breath. "Welcome home, Jyn," he replied. 

Jyn regarded the door for a moment, then stood and crossed to him, pulling Cassian gently inside the apartment. She keyed the door closed and turned on the alarm. She took the bag from his fingers and set it aside, taking his holo out and shutting it off. He noticed hers was already on shelf beside the door, already off.

"You've been right, Cassian," Jyn told him as she lead him towards the couch. "I've been afraid. I've been afraid of losing you, afraid of how much I feel for you, and I haven't been handling it well." She sighed. "I've never known a life without uncertainty and war. I haven't known how to adapt to all this, to the idea that I'll wake up beside you every morning, and go to sleep beside you every night." She met his brown eyes with her green. "To know that we're together, and war isn't going to rip you out of my life at any moment."

"So you ran away," Cassian said, his fingers coming up to cup her cheek. 

Jyn sighed and leaned into his hand.

"Yes," she admitted. "But now, now we're going to talk, just the two of us. We're going to shut out the outside world for awhile, and we're going to communicate." She took his other hand in hers and squeezed it. "Sometimes love hurts, but that doesn't mean it can't be nice too. That doesn't mean we can't make it work."

Cassian smiled then, and relief flickered through her. 

"Then let's talk, my love," he replied.

~~~

Hours later, Cassian held her in his arms as they lay in bed, Jyn half sprawled on to of him. A song was playing over the entertainment unit, Jyn singing along softly as she pressed her cheek to Cassian's chest.

"You get the lights, and I'll lock the doors, let's say all of the things that we couldn't before. Won't walk away, won't roll my eyes. They say love is pain, well darling lets hurt tonight. If this love is pain then honey let's love...tonight."


End file.
